“You are so lucky to be here.”

The Founder spread his arms wide like Oprah as he welcomed my "class" of new hires to our prestigious real estate firm. Twenty-somethings squeezed into suits we couldn't afford, we were lined up in front of him to listen to his rags-to-riches story, which left us simultaneously inspired and intimidated.

Other leaders echoed the same message: we were special because they’d chosen us. Learn to do as they did, and we’d succeed. We were desperate to prove we deserved our luck.

Fast forward through years of watching top producers get promoted past colleagues with actual leadership and interpersonal skills. The common qualities of our leaders were those of the best salesmen: bravado and drive. As the third Black hire and one of relatively few women, I didn’t match the profile they rewarded. Their “normal” profile was built to reproduce more of the same.

By year four, I was getting sick frequently. In body and spirit, I had to come to terms with the unfortunate reality that the company archetype would wear me out, and as long as I stayed myself, I’d never fit.

Is the “normative” path "necessary?”

So much of our motivation stems from deeply ingrained programming: our parents’ dreams, societal measures of success, and every boss, mentor, or co-worker who has shaped our expectations. Each workplace and industry has its "this is how things work here."

At that former firm, and everywhere I look now, people cling to these expectations long after they stop bringing satisfaction, even when their bodies scream out in exhaustion, illness, or dread. Beneath it all, there’s a conflict between conforming and nurturing your authentic self. I refer to it as "normative" versus “necessary.”

“Normative” is who you’re told to be: the traditions and standards handed down, the status quo, the preferred aesthetic, the barriers to success, and the role models you're provided. (The programming.)

“Necessary” is what sustains who you truly are. What lights you up. The conditions that allow you to thrive. Your values, your heart, your essence, you without performance or polish.

Today, in addition to organizational programming, we rely even more on technology to tell us what to think. It's harder than ever to distinguish your distinct perspective from ideas you've absorbed. You lose the ability to examine which beliefs even feel right as yours. Though when you spend time getting to know yourself, you can tell the difference.

A client recently told me, “I got promoted, but I don't even know if I want this.” He’d been following a prescribed path for so long, he’d forgotten he had a choice. But the “necessary” is patient. It waits for you to peel back external expectations and recover your own.

Not fitting in is your superpower

Those of us who are visibly different, by race, gender, or background, who aren’t naturally "normative," can see the programming others accept without question. Standing out at that firm taught me my real values and what is “necessary” for me to thrive.

Those who’ve always fit lose the chance to build this muscle. They wake up later, when their bubbles burst or reality hits, and they have to find a new way to survive. I see it in corporate pipeline executives who, later in life, realize they're strangers to themselves.

Finding what’s “necessary” to you

When people tell me they feel lost, they're really asking: Who am I beyond what I've been told to be? I tell them, "Remember who you are." Remember, don't discover.

It’s not a solo project. Without relating to others or the world, there’s no identity to define. To find yours, you need to be with people: old friends, family, colleagues who notice you, hype you up, criticize and push you, and hold you accountable. You need people who spot when you’re putting on an act and call it out.

This is what we're losing today. Connection, but also the mirrors that help us see our truth.

How to tell “necessary” from “normative”

Question your beliefs. Write down three presumptions you tell yourself daily. Trace each one: Who said it first? Your mother, your first boss? Is it relevant to your current goals?

Test your body. Next time you're in a meeting, notice if your shoulders are tight or your jaw is clenched. Those are alarm bells. Many of us ignore them until they make us ill. Don't wait that long.

Stop asking AI what to do. For one week, make decisions without consulting ChatGPT or comparing yourself to others on social media. You learn more from making your own imperfect choice than from having no clue why you made a perfect one.

The “necessary” only exists in the present. You can’t wait for someday to realize yourself. Stop thinking, “I'll be happy when I get promoted.” Instead, consider what would energize you now.

What you lose by staying numb

Poorly run institutions count on your compliance. They want you to believe that theirs is the only way, that you’re lucky just to be included. Challenging the system invokes the need for change, so they think it’s easier to let you feel like you’re the problem.

Authenticity is courageous, and it can spread. Others see you working it and realize it’s possible for them, too.

You can figure out what's "necessary" to you. Those steps aren't difficult. It’s just a matter of whether you'll care enough to try.

Lucky to be there? They’re lucky to have you.

​

Sending love and light,

Ginny